I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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