i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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