I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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