Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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