bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
