No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
