I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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