R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
