we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
