There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
