Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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