I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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