dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
