it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
