He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I have surprise drugs for everyone
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
