bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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