I wish I could punch you in the face.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
