Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
