do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
