***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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