I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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