I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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