remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize