Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
