We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
