Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
