Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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