so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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