my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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