About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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