he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
