There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
