Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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