The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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