so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
