Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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