I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My vagina is very pro this idea
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
