his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
