i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
