I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
