If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
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