She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
