ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
