Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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