1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
