break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I still have a little drunk in my system
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
