his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
