uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
