you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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