So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize