I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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