Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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