this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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